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Kinder Mind
Kinder Mind
Understanding Transitioning: Empty nesters and young adults who have difficulty leaving the nest
In this episode of the Kinder Mind Podcast, we delve into the complex emotions and psychological challenges surrounding the transition when children leave home, a significant life event that impacts both parents and young adults. Our guest, Ericka Connor, LMSW, joins us to explore the intricacies of "empty nest syndrome" and the hurdles young adults face when stepping out into the world.
As parents, the shift from a full house to an empty one can bring overwhelming feelings of loss, anxiety, and uncertainty about the future. How can parents rediscover a sense of purpose and identity after their children move out? Meanwhile, young adults often grapple with their own fears and anxieties about independence. What factors contribute to their reluctance to leave home, and how can they overcome these challenges?
We discuss practical strategies for both parents and young adults to navigate this transitional period. From setting healthy boundaries and fostering independence to understanding the importance of communication, this episode offers valuable insights into easing the emotional strain on both sides.
Whether you're a parent preparing for your child's departure or a young adult about to embark on a new chapter, this episode provides guidance and support to make this life-changing transition smoother and more fulfilling. Tune in to learn more about embracing this new phase with confidence and understanding.
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Thanks so much for joining us for another episode of the kinder mind podcast. Today. We are understanding transitioning empty nesters and young adults who have difficulty leaving the nest. I'm joined with our guest speaker today, erica Connor, lmsw, who's going to talk to us about this very interesting topic. Thank you so much for joining us today, erica. Oh well, thank you so much for having me. As soon as we were talking about like you know, what you were going to talk about today and you um kind of picking a topic and you mentioned um failure to launch and leaving the nest, I have to share like. The first thing that came to my mind was that Matthew McConaughey movie with Sarah Jessica.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Listen, that's not too far off from like the phenomenon that we're experiencing with young people. So I totally hear you. I think about that too, but it's. It's awesome Cause that movie kind of brought you know the attention to that phrase and seriously, what's going on with young people today, who knows?
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:Right, yes, so I. I love that I had a frame of reference, because when that movie came out it was definitely before I was going to be leaving home. So I never really thought about it from a lens of like what if that were me? Or like what if that were a friend of mine? Or how are those parents feeling. So I love that we're talking about this today. So just kind of to jump in with the questions I have for you, thinking about it from a general understanding perspective of what the different folks in this multifaceted problem or situation are dealing with, let's start with the parents. So what are some of the common psychological challenges you would say are faced by empty nesters when their children leave home?
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Yeah, I think that's a great question. I would honestly say, just being an empty nester myself and just kind of witnessing what the people around me and other parents are experiencing, I think I mean the primary thing I think that parents are experiencing is like a loss of identity. I mean, I think I mean the primary thing I think that parents are experiencing is like a loss of identity. I mean I think mothers in particular have this. You know, their role is to be a mother and I think that's difficult to let go and they don't really view it as a transition. They see it more as like a grieving process.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:I think people have like a lack of purpose and they experience like a general grief, that kind of mimics the loss of somebody. You know, this can go on for weeks to months. I mean that would kind of be, I guess, a normal time frame. But we're talking more about the folks that are having like long term issues where they really have difficulty and experience a lot of loss. There we have parents that are faced with like confronting the state of their relationship or their marriage with their, you know, their relationship with a partner, Kind of the reality that they have to discover and create activities that keep them busy, maybe, or finding a lifestyle that has purpose. So I think there's a lot of different components to it for parents and caregivers, but I think the primary focus is that they really have to understand that the relationship is going to change with their child, and I think a lot of people really don't feel comfortable, being uncomfortable with that or they don't really know what that looks like. So there's a lot of fear, you know, involved in that process.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:So that's, I would say, the primary focuses for, you know, adults and caregivers that are having children move out of the home and moving on.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:No, that makes a lot of sense and, as we know, from that feeling of loss and fear and sadness, that can create a lot of, you know, anxiety and depression. So, with that in mind, um, could this trigger any type of like medical or psychological conditions that those parents now are facing because of this big life change?
Ericka Connor, LMSW:You know, I think this having children and raising kids I think well, first let's look at it in two parts.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Well, I would say like there can be like unhealthy enmeshment with our children where we maybe latch on to raising our kids or kind of creating an identity around our kids because we're trying to avoid um dealing with maybe an underlying issue.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:So not having a distraction at home or, you know, kind of the busyness that comes with having kids can trigger um possibly confronting issues that you've been putting away for some time, like maybe relationship difficulties, maybe depression, anxiety. You know we're pretty good at busying ourselves up and not really dealing with those things, but you know, being an empty nester is a great time to maybe unpack some of the difficulties or some of the traumatic experiences in your past or maybe some mental health issues that you've been kind of sweeping under the rug. So there is good to being an empty nester when it comes to like time for yourself and time to maybe explore some of the things you've been struggling with but you really just didn't want to confront. So that is where maybe I would say but the other part would be yes, you know what that kind of loss can also trigger an individual to experience like a great deal of anxiety or depression or you know other mental health challenges. So I mean it could be. You know, either of the two. We wouldn't rule out.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:Absolutely no. That makes a lot of sense. So, thinking about that next step, that transition in life now that their child's out of the house, how can empty nesters find a new sense of purpose or identity after their children move out?
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Yeah, it's a great question. Well, listen, I think it's really important to start this process before your child leaves the nest. I mean, you really need to kind of communicate your anxieties and your fears with you know others. I would say please don't give into the desire to talk about that with your kid, because you really want them to experience that journey to the fullest. So you really don't want to continue an enmeshment with your child. So I think it's natural to say things like you know I'm, you know I'm excited for you to move on, but you know I do feel sad because I've really loved you know I'm I'm excited for you to move on, but you know I do feel sad because I've really loved you know you being at home and I've enjoyed this relationship. So, yes, you need to express those feelings and maybe some anxieties. I would try to find um peers, you know, like other parents who've experienced this before. Or if you don't know anyone, I think it's important to reach out. You know, obviously talking with a therapist is a great outlet and you know we are always here to listen. And you know, walk that journey with you.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:I think it's important to have discussions with your kids about anything you're anxious about, in particular because I know there's a lot of. You know there's a lot out there about, like, kids being safe and all these terrible things that happen to kids when they go to college. But you have to kind of remember that those are very isolated event events and instances. So if it makes you feel better, listen, talk about you know what the expectation is for your kids if they encounter a medical emergency. Or let's talk about campus safety. Or let's talk about, you know, drinking and you know six, you know getting rides home and being safe, like I think if you've covered those topics with your kid, it will certainly lessen the anxiety because you feel like your children are prepared.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:I'd also, you know, try something new, like try to incorporate something new into your lifestyle. Try something new like try to incorporate something new into your lifestyle, be social, you know, explore some hobbies, maybe go back to work if that's something you desire. But I think starting early can kind of help ease that transition for you and for your child. But again, if you're having, you know, difficulty coping with this or you don't have someone to speak to that you feel comfortable with, you should always reach out to a professional therapist and just let them walk that journey with you so that you have someone to talk to about it. Because I think the sooner you get kind of on top of those emotions, the easier it is to work through them and process them when the actual day comes.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:I love that you think about, like you know, starting that early so that when it happens you know you're ready for that. And I mean I'm still a little early out. I've got a 10 year old and a 12 year old, but kind of putting myself in the mindset of one day that will come. I think one of my burning questions which you know is probably like subjective and it's based on individual relationships that parents have with their kiddos, cause not every parent's the same, not every kiddo is the same. What, in your opinion, is a good, healthy communication frequency for parents to communicate with their children once they leave the nest?
Ericka Connor, LMSW:You know, I love that you asked that question because I had this conversation with some of my um. I have some young people in college right now. Um one's in graduate school, so I feel like that doesn't really count as much. But I have one that's going into her junior year of college and we talked about this and I feel like, um, you know, in the beginning I think there's no rules, right, you're doing what's comfortable for you and your student. I'd say student because I don't want to say child, because once they go to college they're an adult. But I think that's really what makes them feel comfortable in the beginning.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:But I would say a healthy communication with you and your young person would probably be maybe one phone call a week. You know, I know it's a different time than it was, you know, 20 years ago or 25 years ago, when we had text messaging and whatnot. And I do think you know, I understand that we have a texting relationship with our kids and I know that. You know I have that with my kids too, like, you know, if I'm out and I see something and I'm like, oh, what do you think about this? But I would really try to resist the desire to constantly be in contact with your young person. In my opinion I don't know that that's entirely necessary, but you know, just touching base periodically through the week, I think the bigger concern would be you know, how often is your young person requesting to come home? You know, I think maybe twice in the semester, outside of holidays, is probably normal. But I think what, as a therapist, would concern me is if your young person is requesting to come home a lot, like every other weekend or every weekend, I think that's something that would concern me.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Um, just because I think the reality is, when you go away to college, when you leave the nest, you are going to explore your independence and your autonomy outside of your family unit, and if your young person is not doing that effectively, if they're not staying or experiencing those things, then I think you have to start to ask questions. You have to wonder. You know what's going on. Is it? You know? Could it be depression, could it be anxiety?
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Because I know a lot of people experience those things you know, around the age of you know, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19,. You know, we really see a lot of that come to the surface in that age group. So I think it's definitely worth exploring. But to answer your question, I would say a phone call or Zoom once a week is really what you want to kind of aim to get to. And I don't think there's a problem with texting your you know your young person periodically. But I think when it gets to the point where you're constantly in communication with that young person, you're not allowing them the autonomy that they deserve to grow and find their own independence and assert themselves be for you would be like if they were coming home frequently.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:And I'm a huge fan of like self disclosure on the podcast, because I always think about these things that like in my brain, like I could connect what you're saying to like personal experience. So not a super long story, but what came to mind when you said that was I remembered when I went off to college for the first time. It was a nightmare. And the place, the school that I went it was a small school up in North Georgia and I was there for, I think, maybe like a month or two, and I was coming home every single weekend. I did not want to be there. Incredibly toxic, catty environment. Like they pushed like very specific beliefs down everybody's throat. You could not be an individual.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:It felt like I left my small Georgia town of home and moved to an even smaller town where everybody was like very judgy and it was just awful.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:So I and I wanted nothing to do with it. And to the point to where, like I would go to the grocery store and buy food to keep in my dorm room, just so I wouldn't have to like go eat in the cafeteria with the people. So, needless to say, like I packed everything I owned and just like put it in my car and eventually went home. But yeah, no, like that's definitely something you want to be on the lookout for if you're a parent and you're, you know, young adult leaves home and then you're seeing them for dinner every day, like something's not going right either. Like you know, like you said, they're not really pushing themselves to get out there because you know it's scary and it's new, or like how's this environment where they currently are, like why are they not enjoying being there, where they would rather be home, where it's comfortable and safe? Like, is that a them thing that we need to address and work through, or is that an environmental thing that we need to address and work through? So that's a really, really great point.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:And I think, like the coping mechanisms really have to be there for young people to be successful when they leave the nest right, Because everybody has a bad first roommate. I mean, this is generalizing, but you hear the common problems with college kids, and the kids that have really healthy coping mechanisms are the ones that usually find the most success. Now, I mean, listen, there are always exceptions to that rule. Maybe you chose a university you spoke about and you weren't really clear on what that environment looked like, and after one semester you were, you know, done with that that university and it was time to move on, which is totally healthy too.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:But I think for the average young person, if you have the right coping mechanisms in place, they will be successful. They do not need to come home every weekend to escape, you know, the uncomfortableness of being new or not having friendships or sitting alone, Cause I think these are all skills that we learn as young people, whether we're in school or not. Right, Like you have to, you got to learn how to eat lunch on your own, because one day you're going to have a job or you're going to be in a place where you have to do something that feels uncomfortable. So what's great about therapy is that we teach people how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:You know, if that's not something that you've gotten from your caretakers or your parents, then this is a great spot for it.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:So you know my opinion, no, and I love that opinion and I wholeheartedly agree.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:Like I definitely say, like it took me longer than a lot of people, because I grew up an only child, to develop that being okay with like feeling uncomfortable resilience that you need to be a successful adult and thrive out there.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:So you know, much younger it would have terrified me to go to a movie by myself and sit alone and have a meal.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:And now I'm like working with clients on like you don't understand it's so great out here Once you can just get comfortable in your own skin and find that purpose and like happiness within you, like it doesn't have to always be attached to another person and unfortunately, like you know folks that don't overcome that on their own and you know, constantly look in to other people to find that you know value or those affirmations or really that purpose. That's where we sometimes see, you know, really unhealthy attachments and relationships develop. So, absolutely Therapist to therapist, I think our common theme we're sharing right now is, the sooner you can get okay with being you and being you out and about and you doing the things that you enjoy, you'll feel very confident and comfortable and be very well-rounded into going out there and you know, being a part of a relationship or being a better friend. So definitely something to try, either on your own or with the support of a therapist.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Yeah, and also acknowledging that you know everybody's experiencing the same feelings, right, but we don't know that until we share that with someone else. That's an important message for young people is to understand that they're just not alone in those thoughts or those feelings and parents too.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:So, thinking about our young adults, how can young adults overcome the fear or anxiety associated with leaving the nest?
Ericka Connor, LMSW:So I would say, there it's preparation and communication. I think young people should be encouraged to voice anxieties, concerns. This should be an ongoing discussion with your young person, because I think it is very natural to feel both of those things before going off to college. Sometimes young people have difficulty speaking with their caregivers or their parents about these things. So, you know, an objective party is always great for a young person because then they can express those emotions without judgment. So if there's not someone they feel close to that they could communicate with. Again, having a therapist is a great idea, because a great therapist is going to validate those feelings and encourage them to kind of keep going on that journey of independence. And just preparing, like what are they having anxiety about? Where does their, you know, concern lie? Are they nervous about schedules? Are they nervous about friendships? I mean, there's just so many things to think about. So I think preparation and communication would be probably the two most important things to take into consideration.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:And I know you mentioned, you know worry about schedules and you know really getting to the bottom of like what are they worried about, is a great strategy. So then, thinking about that, what, what psychological factors might contribute to a young adults, like reluctance to leave home?
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Well, I mean, I think the reality is, if a young person has any type of underlying mental health disorder I mean so many kids struggle with anxiety and depression. I mean we can go on and on about the causes of those and social media and you know all those great things, but I definitely think if your child has any kind of underlying mental health disorder, I think they're going to be the young person that's going to struggle a little bit more, maybe have more concerns. I think there's some family dynamics that can come into play too. I think we have talked a little bit about enmeshment, where maybe that young person feels their parents rely on them, you know, or their parents' identity is wrapped up in their young person. So the young person really feels a reluctance to leave because they don't want to disconnect. We have like birth order right.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Like your oldest child is probably going to be a little bit more nervous or concerned, because that's just who they are and what their make is, you know they're a little bit more cautious. Is there dysfunction in the family? I mean, do are they afraid to leave? Because if they left, maybe you know there's alcoholism or there's, you know, relationship problems with the parents and the young person is there to kind of be a mediator. There's just there's so many things to take into consideration. I think the primary one is are they supported in their decision to leave the nest Like, do they feel encouragement? Do they feel like you know they can call home if they're worried or they need support? So there's a lot that goes into it. But I definitely think if there's dysfunction or mental health concerns, it's going to be a more difficult transition just by nature of you know what they're struggling with already. But I think that a very well supported, balanced individual is not going to have as much difficulty as maybe somebody who has some dysfunction or mental health in their background.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:That makes a lot of sense. So, thinking about it from a therapist aspect or like a clinical aspect, what are some effective interventions that you've utilized, that you've you? Know, researched that you've heard that you've heard of that are really helpful for families that are struggling with this transition.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:I mean, I really do think that goal setting and mindfulness therapy I think both of those together will create a recipe for success. I think you have to understand, like, what is the goal of that child going on or that young person going on to college or to leave the home? Like what's their goal? Their goal is to be independent, healthy young people. So you always have to really keep that in mind and I think we also need to remember that this is the ultimate reward of parenting. This is the goal of parenting is to raise a young person to be healthy and happy and independent, and we really want that success for them. So you have to remember that's the goal.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:You also have to take care of yourself. I mean as a parent and a young person. Be kind to yourself. I mean you are going to struggle. You might feel as a young person, you might feel, you know, anxious or upset, or maybe you're doing you know you're doing Greek life and you don't get the house you want.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:And you have to really understand that there's going to be failures along with successes when you leave, and I think parents have to remember that too, like you're not going to be great at everything when your young person leaves. It might take you a little bit longer to get past it and to kind of grieve the loss of that relationship with your young person as you know it. But you really have to be mindful of where you are and where you will be, because down the road it'll pay off. You'll have such a fulfilling relationship with your young person If you were there to walk that journey with them to independence. And young people should also remember not to ask, for you know you have to ask for help. You have to feel like you can ask for help or talk to someone when you're really struggling, because validating those feelings and kind of moving through them is what gets you to the end goal. So those are the two things I would recommend remembering.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:Those are wonderful recommendations. Thinking about, if it were your advice and you were talking to parents and young adults, what would your advice be? To facilitate like a smooth transition To parents.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Give yourself grace and understand that everybody's journey is unique. Some folks take a little bit longer to adjust to this new transition than others, so please give yourself grace. Parents should view this phase of life as acknowledgement of success, because our job as parents is to raise a child who will eventually become completely independent of us, and this phase should be compared to like potty training or attending kindergarten. However painful, it's just another phase in life and I really encourage parents to embrace this phase so that your young person respects you as a parent and hopefully wants to be your friend with you as an adult.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:And to young people I would say do not give into isolation. I would say yes to all reasonable invitations. I mean go to dinner, go to the movies, go to football, go to study club. Just say yes to all reasonable invitations, because isolation is not a productive behavior. It can be difficult to try new things, but you can do it and you need to just embrace your independence and just, most of all, if you're having difficulty, know that you're not the first one and talk to somebody. Please just reach out and talk to someone if you're having difficulty.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow:Thank you so much, erica Connor, lmsw, for joining us today to talk about failure to launch and empty nesters. I think it's been a really great discussion and there's been tons of really great tips and advice. Again, we definitely want to center on you don't have to go through this alone, like find a community. Talk to a professional. If anyone out there is currently experiencing this, either you know an empty nester or a young adult. Erica does have availability in her caseload to work with new clients and help, like she said, walk this journey with you. Erica also specializes in anxiety, behavioral issues, coping skills and depression. She works with groups around body positivity, those who are currently going through cancer and single mothers. Her age groups that she treats are teenagers 13 years of age and up, as well as adults. You can book with Erica by calling our scheduling team at 866-846-7765 or going to her profile at kindermindcom. Thank you so much again, erica. It was such a pleasure talking to you.
Ericka Connor, LMSW:Oh, thanks for having me. I really appreciate it Absolutely. You take care.