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Kinder Mind
Kinder Mind
Exploring Loneliness and Reconciliation
Can loneliness and reconciliation truly shape our lives in profound ways? Join me and life coach Sage Dai as we untangle the complexities of these deeply human experiences. We differentiate the persistent discomfort of loneliness from the simple act of being alone, exploring how even a room full of people can feel isolating. Our conversation sheds light on the mental and physical health risks tied to prolonged loneliness, underscoring the necessity of a supportive network to foster emotional well-being.
Reaching out to mend fractured relationships is no easy task, as Sage and I acknowledge the hurdles of reconciliation. Delve into the dynamics of forgiveness, empathy, and accountability as we share personal stories—including the journey of reconnecting with an ex-spouse. This process is as much about personal healing and growth as it is about mending the connection with others. We remind listeners that while you can control your efforts towards reconciliation, the outcome is often a lesson in patience and acceptance.
Our discussion evolves into the empowering realm of solitude and self-reflection. Discover practical strategies like therapy, journaling, and the role of life coaches in navigating loneliness and the path to reconciliation. Discipline is championed over motivation, and we offer tools like positive affirmations to maintain a healthy mindset. For those seeking further guidance, Sage remains available at kindermindcoaching.com, ready to assist anyone on their journey toward emotional resilience and meaningful connections.
References:
American Medical Association. (n.d.). What doctors wish patients knew about loneliness and health. American Medical Association. https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/public-health/what-doctors-wish-patients-knew-about-loneliness-and-health
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Thank you so much to our Kinder mind podcast listeners for joining us for another episode of the Kindermind podcast. I'm here today with Sage D, life coach, and we are exploring loneliness and reconciliation. Thank you so much for joining us today, Sage.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited.
Speaker 1:I'm excited too, so let's dive into this topic, really, just starting out with how do you define loneliness and what are some common misconceptions about it?
Speaker 2:For me personally, sadness I believe to be not just an emotion but also a mental connection. Sadness can stem from certain experiences that we've had, whether that's present experiences or past experiences, or even things that we may think about in the future. So I believe to. For me, sadness is just more of a state of mind, right? So something that's happened in your life whether you've gone through a divorce, whether you've lost a significant other divorce, whether you've lost a significant other that would impose sadness, that emotion of grief, hurt, pain, that sort of thing, and loneliness is more of a duration, whereas there's moments where you can feel sad and then there's moments where it's okay.
Speaker 2:I feel lonely. Right now I don't have anyone physically with me to comfort me or physically with me to encourage me, or I feel lonely because I don't fit in to a certain space, right or with certain individuals, and that can also make us feel lonely. But what I noticed when I looked it up is loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort. So anytime we feel uncomfortable can also stimulate the feeling of loneliness. And that was something that I thought was very interesting, how it said the word discomfort, and that's something that stood out to me very intensely, so I wanted to dive into that discomfort, if that's OK surprise is Brene Brown and her book Atlas of the Heart and her HBO special about Atlas of the Heart.
Speaker 1:She really dives into the words that we use to describe our feelings and emotions and what those mean and what those look like. So, yes, absolutely, let's dive in, like you said, to discomfort.
Speaker 2:So that's something that stuck to me a lot, because I, like many other people, have battled with and still do at times with depression, and sometimes depression can come across as what we believe to be, as physical someone who may be in the bed for long periods of times, not eating, not bathing, which are all things that are a part of depression.
Speaker 2:But deep down in depression, it's discomfort. There's an emotional discomfort, there's a mental discomfort where it disrupts us from functioning from day to day and that's something that I believe is what keeps us in that loneliness is the discomfort, because we may dwell on it, like, oh, like I don't feel normal today. I haven't felt normal for weeks, months, years, and we focus on those one tunnel vision things where it's, yeah, I, my loved one, left me, or I lost my job, I lost my health, whatever that main focus may be and that can cause upon that discomfort where we sit in that, versus us coming to terms like, hey, like I'm not, I need help, a support system, a support team. That's also what helps us to overcome loneliness is having a support team, but I know we'll get into that a little bit further on with your questions, but that's what discomfort is. We focus on the discomfort that extends that duration of loneliness.
Speaker 1:That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for clarifying and like laying that out. Sue, tell me what is the difference between loneliness and just being alone? Where's the differentiation there?
Speaker 2:The difference between loneliness and being alone. Most of us experience being in a room full of people and still feeling alone. I believe it's just a disconnect. Some of us are not very good at being social, right, and that's not just okay. I'm introverted, but it's also I'm not really good at carrying on a conversation. I'm not really good at initiating a conversation.
Speaker 2:So there's moments when you can be in a space where you're full of people, there's physical people being there, but you're just still feeling alone because maybe you feel unheard, maybe you feel unseen or we feel unwanted, whatever that may be, and that can also be loneliness versus physically being alone in a space where no one's there.
Speaker 2:And being alone doesn't mean that you're lonely. Right, you can be alone and enjoy that space by yourself. Hey, like I'm having a good time, like I know, for me as a mother, it's good to have that alone time. Sometimes it's really good to just shower by yourself and not have any interruptions, and you can eat a meal by yourself. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing, but we can feel loneliness when we don't feel connected to people. And if we don't have friendships right, don't have friend groups, or we don't have, like I said before, a support system, whether that's family, friends or coworkers or if we go to different events. Those types of things can help feed the loneliness if we're not necessarily interacting with people who we care about or having individuals who we care about interact with us.
Speaker 1:So how can prolonged loneliness affect a person's mental and physical health? I know that you mentioned depression. Are there other things that come to mind that could be a consequence of prolonged loneliness?
Speaker 2:There's an American Medical Association and there was a doctor that was speaking there, and he mentions there is some evidence to note that people who are experiencing social isolation and loneliness have increased risk for premature death.
Speaker 2:He continues here and says social isolation and loneliness were associated with a 29% increased risk of heart disease and a 32% risk of stroke. So loneliness does have some other physical effects on us, not just depression or anxiety. Those types of things can also stem from loneliness as well. But that's pretty interesting that I never did correlate loneliness with heart disease or a stroke. And then he goes on further and mentions that social isolation and loneliness lead to higher risk of high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, anxiety, depression, memory issues and even death. There are definitely physical aspects that take on or that come from loneliness, and that is something that this country faces quite frequently, or this world, this society, not just this country, but definitely in America. It's very intense here with loneliness, even though we have social media, but a lot of us are not very social even though we have these different outlets to be social.
Speaker 1:I could not agree more. And then there's lots of negative consequences that come from social media as well, and thank you for bringing up that research. That sounds super interesting. I'm a nerd for research, so I would love it if you could share that article. I'll be sure that we include that on the podcast for any of our listeners to check out and read, as well as give credit to the author. What practical steps can individuals take to manage or overcome feelings of loneliness? I know that you made a really great recommendation earlier talking about that connection. It's a support system, so could you talk about that a little more?
Speaker 2:Speaking from experience, whenever I was going through my intense depression, I had to think back to what I enjoyed, right. So for me, I like to dance, and that was a great outlet for me to look beyond my current circumstances that I was facing at that time. My current circumstances that I was facing at that time and I think that's something that's very important for all of us to do is to pause and just think back. What do I enjoy, whether that's painting or writing, or reading or walking, whatever that may be.
Speaker 2:For that individual, it's important to pause and to get back to those things, because that's going to spark more joy, that's going to spark more healing and, especially if you're someone who's in a position, who's not able to get professional help from a therapist, it's crucial to be able to think outside the box and do things for yourself, as like just going for a walk outside, getting some nature, getting some sunshine, seeing what's around you the flowers, the birds, the insects that kind of helps reset your mind and, for a little bit of an endorphin health the natural one, anyways.
Speaker 2:So I would suggest to anyone who's currently experiencing these things of loneliness and anxiety or depression try to think back to what it was that brought you joy, whether that's when you were a child or from recent times, months ago, whatever it may be. Get more involved in that, because that's what's going to help trigger you to get other healthy outlets as well. So that would be my main suggestion is pause for a second and think about what it is that you enjoy and get into that. Some people it was knitting, quilting, just something to do with your hands, and that's what I would suggest for anybody who's experiencing this right now.
Speaker 1:I love those recommendations. I think it and really try to, like you mentioned, remember what makes you happy. It can be something small. You stated like knitting or hobbies, art, dancing, things that bring you joy and engaging in those, and maybe you're engaging with those on your own and you're working your way up to now, incorporating other people into those eventually, so you don't have to take that big scary leap all at once where I'm gonna go to a full-blown like zumba class with a bunch of other people oh, maybe you're dancing at home to your music and you're taking those baby steps of feeling better.
Speaker 1:So I love those recommendations. Thanks so much for sharing that. So I know that when we're lonely and we're struggling with loneliness and depression, we isolate, we pull away from others. We go weeks, months, years without communicating with our family or friends and it can be difficult to reconcile those relationships. How can someone approach reconciling those relationships with friends or family members with whom they've lost touch or had conflicts?
Speaker 2:So reconciliation will look different from person to person.
Speaker 2:Based off of the experience one had reconciliation versus someone who is reconciling with a friend they've known for years but they haven't spoken to them for, say, five years because of a falling out it's going to look a little bit different.
Speaker 2:I've noticed that when it comes to reconciliation, there's usually a base of fear, a fear from being rejected by the person who you're trying to reconnect with, or wondering if you're making the right decision, or wondering if it's even going to work out.
Speaker 2:Acknowledging that there's going to be a possibility of this person not receiving you is very important for us to think about, ponder on and, based off of one's experience, whether they had a traumatic experience from them falling out or could be, like I said, someone who hasn't met these individuals and they're trying to reconcile.
Speaker 2:It's going in with more of an open mind and if you're coming in to a reconciliation where you've met these people, you've known this person or these individuals for a while and you're just reconnecting, I would say forgiveness is important, whether you're trying to forgive this other person or forgive yourself, being very empathetic, being understanding of the circumstances, being accountable for whether your actions or giving this other person, the space to be accountable is all there's to taking consideration, because I myself am working through reconciliation right now with my ex-husband and that looks different because I've known him for years. But now it's a little bit different because there has been some hurt, there has been some neglect in the past and we are divorced now and who I was when I met him is not who I am now. So there's things that I have to take into consideration now with that reconciliation, because it's like, hey, I'm not 23 anymore, I'm 31 and I'm a mother now and I know more of myself now.
Speaker 1:So I have to not be accepted and if you are the individual who needs to accept this other person, allow them the space to apologize and allow them the space to acknowledge where they went wrong. I think that's such an important call out. A lot of the times, I like to talk about the language we use and the expectations we set, and I think that it's really important to keep in mind when you are reconciling with someone or trying to reconcile with someone, like you mentioned, having that introspect and that thought process around. They don't have to accept your apology. There is a chance that this will not go well. There's always that possibility that they will not bring you back into their life and, really looking at, what ownership do I have in their decision-making process? You have no ownership, you have no control, and that's what's so scary, because our want is to somehow fix everything and make it better, but that's not always possible because it takes two or more people in that relationship to reconcile. And so I feel like for folks that are working on reconciliation or thinking about working on reconciliation, it's important to remember that the only thing that you own in that process are your words and your actions and your intentions.
Speaker 1:That other person does not have to reciprocate a forgiveness or an apology or anything like that. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I think the scariest thing about really anything in life is the unknown and the lack of control. But certainly one of the biggest kind of sayings that goes into it all is you don't know unless you try. And if that relationship was so important to you that you desperately want to try to get it back, go see if you can. And maybe it's not a never, maybe it's just a not right now. Maybe that person isn't in a place where they can accept your apology or they can offer forgiveness or they can start rebuilding a relationship.
Speaker 1:So I would definitely say to anyone listening that might be going through this is to keep an open mind, pay really close attention to your intent and then realize that you only have ownership of yourself and not that other person to this person or seeing this person, you have to have patience and allowing that individual to, like I said, share from where they were at that point, because we all change and evolve.
Speaker 2:Hopefully, we're all changing and evolving in a positive, healthy way. And if that person does not accept you or vice versa, don't be disappointed, don't be angry because, like you said, you can only control yourself. You can't control that other individual and what they say, how they say it, where they're saying it, and don't dwell on that either. Focus on your healing and how far you've come, how you've matured, and move forward from there, because who we were whenever we're in our 20s or 30s, whatever that may be, is not the same as who we are currently. So that's what I would also say Just be patient and keep moving.
Speaker 1:Keep moving. I love that. How can a life coach support someone who's struggling with loneliness and seeking reconciliation?
Speaker 2:Just by being a listening ear, mainly as a life coach. It's not really I can't speak for all life coaches, but it's definitely not my purpose to fix someone, and I know I strive to fix people's situations. I want to fix things, but I can't fix anyone who doesn't want to have help. You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. So as a life coach, it's important for me to be empathetic, mostly just to be understanding where this individual is coming from and what they are open to sharing with me. So being that good sounding board, that good listening ear, is how I can be of best assistance to anyone who comes to me as their life coach. Because I'm not God, I cannot snap my fingers and just correct and heal everything in an instant, but I can be a sounding board and I can be encouraging. I can help hold someone accountable to a degree. So that's what I believe a life coach is most. A life coach is just to be very empathetic and being able to relate to someone on that level.
Speaker 1:And I think that's a really great goal for any life coach. So I love that you've called that out. What are some long-term strategies for maintaining meaningful connections and preventing future feelings of loneliness? So, someone that has maybe done battle with loneliness and they're maybe still working on their reconciliations, what are some things that they can ensure that they continue to do or try to do to negate that future loneliness from setting in?
Speaker 2:I would say, when someone is becoming more aware of themselves and they start to be aware like hey look, I'm not feeling that great today. It's the same thing. I won't say the exact same thing, but it's similar to depression, where it's once you can acknowledge, I feel a little off today, something's not right, I feel lonely. That's when you have to go to that again that activity, whatever it may be. And if we're in situations like how it was when we were on lockdown with COVID, I would say, finding still groups online that you can still interact with. If you're able to get a therapist, that's online. Get a therapist online that you can still interact with.
Speaker 2:And journaling, do a lot of journaling until your little hands can't write anymore, because it's a great way to expose yourself and there's no one judging you for exposing yourself. Right, you're writing all your emotions down, whether those are angry emotions, hateful emotions, whether they're depressive emotions, whatever it may be. Write it all down and then what I like to do is, safely, is burn them. Write all those emotions out and burn them, because it's something about seeing that burn is healing, it's evaporating all of that tension that hurt, that pain in that very moment. It's something about the visible connection, to the emotional connection where it's.
Speaker 2:I'm not right now, but I'm going to be, it's okay, it's just an off day, I had an off moment or I had an off week. We're all human. It's not going to be an easy life. It's not going to be the life where you smile all the time and laugh all the time and feel loved all the time. But we can write how we feel and we can still be able to be connected to others. And that's one of the biggest blessings I think COVID did bring to us is that even though we can't always be physical with one another, with our friends, and have big gatherings and all these types of things, I can still call, I can still FaceTime or Zoom or do all these other ways to still stay connected, and I think that can still be very beneficial if used in a very effective and healthy way.
Speaker 1:I completely agree and I like your recommendation about journaling and burning that and like just to make sure that it never gets seen if that's stuff that you never want seen by anybody else. And I think it can be a really great way if you choose to not burn it and keep it in a journal or a diary for reflection, like you can go back and see like where was I, what changed, what helped, what didn't. So, thinking about gaining insight and moving on and keeping that future motivation, how can someone reflect on their experiences to gain deeper insights into their needs and desires and their social connectedness and stay motivated?
Speaker 2:The thing about. I don't mean the word motivation, what word?
Speaker 1:do you?
Speaker 2:put Discipline, Discipline okay.
Speaker 2:Discipline is going to outweigh your motivation, because you're not going to feel motivated most days, especially if you're struggling with depression or anxiety or loneliness You're not really going to feel motivated. Or anxiety or loneliness you're not really going to feel motivated. You're definitely going to have the discipline to get up to do the writing or even things like this speaking to yourself. It's awkward, but we all do it, right. We all speak to ourselves and one of the things that I would suggest is writing down things and then sticking it on your mirror right Things that whether it's something that you like about yourself, things that you enjoy in life, things that you hope for in life, even if you have to lie about it, right, Because if you're someone who's struggling with suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature, you're probably not going to be hoping for a future. But if you can write it down again that visible connection, you're seeing it and then you're saying it out loud it does affect your mental in a positive way, because now you're telling your brain what to think and you're having that control versus those thoughts or those feelings have the control over you. So I would say discipline definitely outweighs the motivation. It's the same thing with going to the gym. If you have a goal of losing weight, gaining weight, whatever it may be, you're not always going to want to go to the gym. I don't care if you're a gym head. You don't always want to go. You have to get in the car and drive there or bring your gym equipment, do all this other stuff. I don't even want to do this. But having the discipline to know that I can become better, I will become better, I want to be better. And by saying those things out loud to yourself positive affirmations or a quote that you've seen, whether that's from a magazine or a book or scripture, whatever it may be say it out loud until you start to believe what you're reading and that's really going to be very helpful. It takes time. It's not like it's going to happen in a day or a month, but when you continuously are feeding yourself that affirmation of positivity, especially when you have no one else around, that's going to make a difference.
Speaker 2:You have to discipline yourself to root for yourself, even when you don't want to. That's easier said than done, but it's possible, because we all battle with insecurities and doubts and fears and weaknesses and all kinds of negativity in this world. But coming to yourself, you have to first be kind to yourself. I just said this whole system is about learning to love yourself, love your fellow man and knowing how you can give back. And it starts with us speaking kindly to ourselves and rooting for ourselves until it becomes a lifestyle. And I'm a firm believer in journaling and writing stuff down and sticking it on your mirror and speaking to yourself in the mirror like a weirdo. This is what it is. Get used to talking to yourself, because a lot of times it will be just you alone, and that's okay, because being alone doesn't mean that you're failing or that you've made a mistake or that you're unloved or unwanted. It's just in this moment, you, you're alone, and at some point you'll be encouraging somebody else who's going through loneliness and all the other things of life.
Speaker 1:That's such a great call out about getting comfortable talking to yourself, because I don't recall the research. I will definitely see if I can find it but I did read research when I was in grad school that talked about how our voice is the loudest voice and the primary voice that our brain listens to, because, think about it, we hear our voice more than anybody else's voice in the world. So, thinking about the power of the spoken word, if we say something like I'm so stupid, research shows that you actually perform and are cognitively more delayed if you make those statements about yourself. So then you're supposed to then catch yourself and say something Actually I am not stupid, I'm not having the best day, but I made a simple mistake. I am a smart person. Really, that positive self-talk, because if you say it, your brain's going to believe it to be true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it is something that is very time consuming and believing, especially if you grew up around individuals who put you down, whether that's family, friends, society, whatever it may be. So that's why I said stick on your window, your mirror, wherever it is, stick it on your whole place, your whole house, if you have to. But start there, because all of us deal with being alone. It's just something that we can't avoid. And being alone again is not a negative thing. It can be a very fulfilling space to be alone, because you being in relationships, having their friends and families, they can be a distraction A good distraction, but distractions. That's what I would say to all listeners. Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. And if you are struggling with loneliness, get active in the things that you enjoy again. And if you're someone who's antisocial, just start small. If it's a small pottery class, start there and then work your way up to a bigger one. Like you said in the beginning, it doesn't have to be something crazy. Just put yourself out there and go from there.
Speaker 1:Well, I love those recommendations. Thank you so much again for joining us today to talk about loneliness and reconciliation. I think it's such an important topic to understand and really delve into, because it's a powerful feeling and can have negative consequences. But you said, to really reflect on yourself and, starting small, we can make changes and we can overcome this. So if anyone would like to book a time to meet with Sage whether you're going through a lonely period or you're trying to begin the process of reconciliation or you're really already on that reconciliation journey and you'd like some extra support and guidance you can find Sage over at kindermindcoachingcom and book a time to meet with her and have these discussions and have a coach in your corner. So thank you so much again, sage, for your time joining us today to discuss this topic.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me Rooted for all you guys.